Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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