it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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