The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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