Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
