i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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