I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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