i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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