I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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