Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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