it hurts more in the daytime
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
