Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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