its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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