Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
