2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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