So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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