PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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