That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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