...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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