I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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