Dual....:-)
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
