I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
