I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
