Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
