I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
