If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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