I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
