my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
