ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
