her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
