You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
