We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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