I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
