1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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