I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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