We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
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I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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