was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
