We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
