At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
