I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
