I'm eating all of the evidence.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
