I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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