dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
