Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
