She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
