I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
