Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
