My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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