dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
