and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
