My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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