I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
