You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
