well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
