I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
