I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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