She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
