I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
