If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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