life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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