I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
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Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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