just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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